I'm Tired Of Being Judged For NOT Being A Mother Yet.

    If you would have told me eight years ago that I'd be moved out at eighteen and still a senior in school at the time I would have said you were crazy. If you also would have told me that at eighteen I'd also be engaged and by nineteen I'd be married and moved into my own home I'd say you were even crazier but here I am now twenty-one and I've been married for two years and seven months. We have been living together for three years now and have been dating for over four years.

    When I first got married, everyone asked if I was pregnant? As if that's the only reason people ever get married right? So now that I've been married for going on three years and I haven't gotten pregnant I've been hearing the famous lines all couples who struggle with fertility hear and cringe about. "When are you going to have a baby?" "Are you pregnant?" To be completely honest those were the lines I heard at every family event for like over a year but then when we didn't get pregnant and when people found out we were "trying" unsuccessfully the famous lines turned into "It will happen, just give it time." "Oh, God just knows you're not ready yet." Oh, how I still cringe when I hear any of those insensitive lines. My husband has heard way worse than I have from his co-workers and it just totally sucks! Every once in a while people will say those lines still, but most have just shut up about it altogether knowing that since it's been this long that maybe it won't happen.

    The generation I've grown up with most (cousins) all have children now so my situation has gotten even worse. My family acts like I don't know how to take care of a child because well I don't have one of my own. (Again, a cringeworthy moment) I've been helping taking care of my relatives since I was thirteen years old, I've pretty much raised other people's kids for them whenever I was nanny for a very short period of time. Still, people say it's not the same as taking care of your own children and so here I am not knowing how to properly care for a child (I guess?). My family seems to forget I'm the youngest of my cousins (only twenty one here!) so it's not that crazy (yet!) that I haven't got pregnant but it is crazy that they think so lowly of me and my maternal instincts just because I'm NOT a Mom!

    I've been to the doctor, and she said everything looked normal as she was examining my lady bits (nice to know doc.) and I've tried two months of Clomid at 50 mg and 100 mg. I took a blood test with 50 mg. and I did ovulate so I decided to stop taking it altogether because that obviously wasn't the problem. I've tried Fertilaid but it took my already irregular cycle and made it even worse with two periods in one month and then the next being over ten days late. Oh, how all of us who have actually tried for a baby hates being late. It drives us all crazy thinking this is it! I'm pregnant! It turns into a negative on a pregnancy test and then test(s). Shortly, in time we end up with our wonderful gift from the mother of hell. No one who has just got pregnant on accident or didn't try for long have a clue what it's like to be in our bodies or minds.

    I didn't want to forget to include my story of the time I was over two weeks late, and decided to go to the doctor. She came in with my pregnancy test I took in their office and laughed. Yes, I'm not lying she laughed and it WAS a negative! She said "Well, you're not pregnant so your tests at home were right!" I left my doctor's office in tears and it took all I had not to knock her out. I understand she seen my age at the time on the paper, probably thought I was just some girl who wasn't married, who was hoping she wasn't pregnant, but in reality I WAS married and struggling with infertility! What she did was the most insensitive thing anyone has ever done to me!

    I wanted to also put you inside a mind of someone who is dealing with this problem. You all go to the store and you probably dread going into the baby section to buy your baby the diapers-wipes they need, the clothing because they grew, the formula because it's pricey, or maybe you don't dread it and love buying stuff like that. Well, a couple who can't ever have kids or don't know if they ever will looks at that same section at the store and realizes that might not ever be them (as they are looking at you.). We smile at the child who notices us at the store, who does something silly to get our attention and in reality we feel depressed because we know we may never be the woman with the smiling silly baby. We see people all the time getting accidentally pregnant and we wonder what's God's plan for them and what's the plan for us? You see on the news that another woman threw her baby away (literally) or someone killed their children, again we wonder what's God's plan for this and why he blessed them with children knowing what was to come but here we are with no baby? It really makes you question what you believe!

    So, here's a shoutout to all my family and friends who don't understand that your famous lines do not help me they only hurt me. Here's to you for making me feel like I'm not capable of taking care of your children because I don't have any. Here's to you for telling me I wouldn't understand because it's a MOM thing. Here's to you for taking the kids you have for granted when others so badly want to have children (if that's you STOP taking your blessings for granted!). Here's to you if you have ever made someone feel like shit because they aren't a mom/dad yet!
Xoxo. - Love.